The Darkest of Nights
by Nanda1
Summary: "What hurts me the most is to think she might never come back to me" For all your angsty Carby needs.


**æ Chapter one:** Letting the Cables Sleep

~~*~~

The shadows of midnight fall upon the city. The figure of the buildings are taken by the darkness and I stand there, doing nothing but staring at the sky. I watch the lights go down, letting the cables sleep. 

We're getting along so well since I came back from Africa. I remember the night I got here. It was rainy like tonight. She was there, sleeping so beautifully in my side of the bed. I couldn't wake her up, I wanted to, but I couldn't. So I waited until she woke up. Those three hours flew like the wind. By the time she was awake, I hugged her. She hugged me back, but I felt that it was so empty. I asked her _What? _Her look was blank, like I've never seen. Then we fought. Big fight. Too painful. But like always, we made up. 

This time was different, I was kind of harsh towards her, so was sghe. The words were painful, but silence was not the way for us by that time, we needed to talk about it. We both said what we felt and were capable to understand each others feelings. She told me I could tell her anything, that whatever I said was alright, whatever I did was good, she'd understand, she would be there for me. We promised never leave each other again, so I moved to her apartment. I felt, for the first time in my life, like I was home. She made me happy, I made her happy. We said our first _I love you_'s to each other. I felt so good, like nothing would set us apart ever again. We were sharing our Heaven. So we lived togheter until now... 

I ask myself a thousand times _Why? Why with her? She's a great person! She had a hell of past, she handled everything, she lost all she had and got it back! Why is God punishing her like his? It's not fair! Why not me?_ I'm the one who hurt her in the past and even like this she forgave me. She's the sweetest person in the world. I feel so much for her. 

I feel like a strange in this town. I don't know where to go. Everywhere I think sounds like hell. In County, everyone will be asking questions and I can't handle this right now; Home, such a lonelly place without Gamma. Alger and the maids are there, but I can't talk to them, they wouldn't understand. Not like Gamma did; Our apartment, too many memories of her, it'd only make me feel worse; 

The only person who wasn't working that I remembered was Luka. So I decided to go to his place. 

The ride between the unknown place I was and Luka's home was full of silence and thoughts in my head. I can imagine the way she must be feeling right now. Lost in the dark of scary thoughts, feeling the sharpest pain of all in her chest, in her mind, in her soul, in her pride. She's trying to run away from everything. Ashamed of what she is. What she can be. What she has. What she can do. The ones she can hurt. What she didn't predict was that what hurts me the most is to think she might never come back to me. 

She's the most protective person in the world, living a hell inside of her own little protective bubble, the thing that keeps her away from pain, wrapping her world around it, don't letting all the hurt enter. For a moment, I thought I had entered that bubble. I thought I was her bubble now. I'd never let anything happen to her, but this was beyond everything I could do. I felt so impotent, like I wasn't able to save her. 

Many times she told she didn't need me to save her, or fix her, or even protect her. I tried not to. I loved her. It was too hard seeing the woman that lives in my heart destroying herself with the thing I almost destroyed myself. And the moment I stopped trying, she started so _fix_ herself. I was selfish thinking she did it for** me**. Now I see she did it because of **her**, because it made **her** better for **her**. I can't believe how shallow I was. 

I stop in front of Luka's building, I can imagine how pissed he'll be about me being here. I trip in the seat belt while trying to get out of he car. Luckily, I don't fall. If I did, I'd probably be shouting everywhere, so hard was my mood. 

I hesitate before ringing the bell, but I do it anyway, shutting my eyes. 

I hear that thicky, sleepy, Croatian voice in the intercom _Who is it? _ I take a deep breath before answering _It's John. I mean, Carter. _I got so used to her calling me John. Yhought it was so sweet, so personal, so like her... _Carter? What are you doing here? _I really don't know what to say. **I** dont even know I'm here. Maybe it's because I cannot find a place where I belong right now. Or because I feel like I'm on an emotional roller-coaster, in the middle of the sea, on a decline, breaking the waves. And, who knows, I'm living the ghost that is my life without her. Or just because I need somebody to talk. _Could you just open the door, please?_

He tells me to wait a minute. So I wait. I have all the time in the world to lose, don't feel like actually **living** right now. She was the reason I lived and now all my life is gone. I wish I could turn back time and spend every single moment with her, expecting time to come. I try not to think, but it sounds impossible right now. He opens the door. Messy hair, black shadows under his eyes. _Come in. _

We climb the stairs and get to the apartment. We remain silent for a while, until he brakes the silence _So, what happened? _

I open my mouth but the words don't come out. Instead, the tears start to roll over my cheeks. He comes closer to me and calmly asks _What's wrong? Is it Abby? _I nod _What happened? Is she OK?_ He suddenly looks concerned. I try to speak, but once again, the words leave me. _Tell me! I can't help if you don't say what happened!_

This time, I come close to and hug him. I don't mind how weird this might look, I need to be comforted right now. I don't think he cares either, since he hugs me back. Finally, I manage to speak _She left._

~~*~~

Big thank you to everybody that read this. I might continue the story, but only if you liked the first chapter ;) So, R&R. Feedback is what keeps me alive... I mean, inspired : ).

**Author's note: **I swear I'm not addicted to Letting the Cables Sleep, by Bush.


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